Asexual Joy

What is asexual joy?

“It’s redefining relationships, it’s sleeping in, it’s baking cakes,” Julie Kliegman writes for Refinery29. “But at its core, it’s a community celebrating themselves as whole people.”

Last month, I spoke with Julie about the positive aspects of asexuality. It’s a topic that doesn’t get enough attention, so I was thrilled that Julie was writing about it. I was equally thrilled when her article was published this week.

As a queer person, it sometimes bothers me that we sometimes exclusively think of queerness through a lens of suffering, pain, oppression, repression, loss, prejudice, etc.

Unfortunately, those are elements of queerness. They are vital to acknowledge. But queerness is more than that.

The deficit framework of queerness—and asexuality—misses the joy of queerness. Queerness is one of the best parts of my life. It makes me feel empowered to forge my own path, unlearn ideas that don’t work for me, and live a life that feels true to my values.

As I shared with Julie, I’ve noticed in my interviews with people under the asexuality umbrella that discovering asexuality can be a hugely positive experience. One person I spoke with described it as finally being able to breathe.

Claiming a queer identity, asexuality included, helps us see that the experiences and feelings we have do not make us broken. Coming into queerness can bring the joy—and sometimes the discomfort—of learning that there’s a broader community of people who share similar experiences with you. It’s something to add to your life rather than something deficient about you.

It’s equally important to recognize that queerness has beneficial lessons and knowledge even for people who aren’t themselves queer. The same is true for asexuality. As an allosexual (i.e. non-asexual) person, for example, learning about asexuality has helped me more deeply appreciate importance of valuing various kinds of kinds of relationships rather than relying on a single romantic/sexual partner.

This kind of thinking is something we can bring to other marginalized perspectives too: those of people of color, indigenous people, disabled people, etc. Of course, oppression is part of those experiences, and it’s essential that we talk about and work to dismantle those realities. And, of course, asexuality (and other marginalized lived realities) are not a source of joy to everyone. That’s a completely valid experience.

But that doesn’t mean we can’t acknowledge the joys of life at the margins as well.

I highly encourage you to read Julie’s Refinery29 piece on asexual joy here. And I want to hear from you! What does asexual joy mean to you? How has asexuality added positively to your life?

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