It has only been since I learned that asexuality is an actual thing and not a pathology, that I can clearly look back over the past 40+ years if my life and correctly identify the feelings I experienced. I’ve had to offer myself truckloads of grace because of the hate I dumped on myself for so many decades. I wish I had not listened to all the haters all that time. It’s so helpful to know I’m OK just like I am.
I experienced CSA as a boy age not quite 3. The immediate had a bunch of fairly typical reactions:
* emotionally dysregulated
* strongly body shy to the point I would not go barefoot.
* decreased appetite.
* reluctant to share a bed. (I would sleep on the floor rather than share a bed with anyone.) When circumstances forced it I would insiste on sleeping above the top sheet, "so our parts wouldn't get mixed up."
* bed wetting unil about age 8
As is common with this sort of event there was also intense shame. The shame was not helped by both parent's prudery about sex. They showed no romantic gestures with each other in front of me. They also barely touched me. Change, wash, dress was about it.
Amplify this by the teachings in our local church.
I was convinced by age 13 I was going to burn in hell forever for masturbating. There was no one I could talk to.
Sex was shameful. Anything to do with it. At one point I would scrub my hand if I even touched the genital area of my pants.
My friends hit puberty. Looked each other with new eyes. I got left behind. I did not date in high school. I did not date in college. Couple of 3 day crushes that I took no action on.
At age 45 I was working with a volunteer organization. A widow a couple years older gave mea massage. First affectionate touch I remember. Ever. First kiss. First sex. Married 3 months later.
But sex was still wrong. And as a consequence was meh at best. I didn't admit it at the time, but I felt more strongly interested in twinks than in girls. A few years into our marriage, she hit menopause and lost intereset. I returned to using my hand.
Now I'm admitting I'm gay. I ahve permission of my wife to act on these. And there is still something wrong.
I'm in treatment. CPTSD, CSA, CPA, CEN PTSD events later in my life. I've come close to death about 6 times. Had others come close to dying on my watch.
In my case, I would consider asexuality to be a side effect pathology of my trauma. Finding a path to healing I suspect won't be in time to help. I'm 71.
It has only been since I learned that asexuality is an actual thing and not a pathology, that I can clearly look back over the past 40+ years if my life and correctly identify the feelings I experienced. I’ve had to offer myself truckloads of grace because of the hate I dumped on myself for so many decades. I wish I had not listened to all the haters all that time. It’s so helpful to know I’m OK just like I am.
(Edited to fix typos)
Very well put!
I experienced CSA as a boy age not quite 3. The immediate had a bunch of fairly typical reactions:
* emotionally dysregulated
* strongly body shy to the point I would not go barefoot.
* decreased appetite.
* reluctant to share a bed. (I would sleep on the floor rather than share a bed with anyone.) When circumstances forced it I would insiste on sleeping above the top sheet, "so our parts wouldn't get mixed up."
* bed wetting unil about age 8
As is common with this sort of event there was also intense shame. The shame was not helped by both parent's prudery about sex. They showed no romantic gestures with each other in front of me. They also barely touched me. Change, wash, dress was about it.
Amplify this by the teachings in our local church.
I was convinced by age 13 I was going to burn in hell forever for masturbating. There was no one I could talk to.
Sex was shameful. Anything to do with it. At one point I would scrub my hand if I even touched the genital area of my pants.
My friends hit puberty. Looked each other with new eyes. I got left behind. I did not date in high school. I did not date in college. Couple of 3 day crushes that I took no action on.
At age 45 I was working with a volunteer organization. A widow a couple years older gave mea massage. First affectionate touch I remember. Ever. First kiss. First sex. Married 3 months later.
But sex was still wrong. And as a consequence was meh at best. I didn't admit it at the time, but I felt more strongly interested in twinks than in girls. A few years into our marriage, she hit menopause and lost intereset. I returned to using my hand.
Now I'm admitting I'm gay. I ahve permission of my wife to act on these. And there is still something wrong.
I'm in treatment. CPTSD, CSA, CPA, CEN PTSD events later in my life. I've come close to death about 6 times. Had others come close to dying on my watch.
In my case, I would consider asexuality to be a side effect pathology of my trauma. Finding a path to healing I suspect won't be in time to help. I'm 71.